The Importance and Difficulty of Setting Rules with our Dogs
As a species, we humans create boundaries everywhere. We’ve made boundaries to separate oceans and continents. Within continents, there are boundaries to separate countries. Here in the USA, we have boundaries to demarcate states. Within states, you have counties. Then cities, boroughs, and towns. In any given town you have boundaries between neighborhoods. Within neighborhoods, streets forge the boundaries. On streets, you have separate lots and houses or buildings. If you’re in a building, then you have separate apartments. Whether in an apartment or house, you have boundaries between rooms. Inside rooms, we divide closet space, drawers, and shelves. Down to which side of the bed you and your partner sleep on, we have boundaries. And those are just the physical ones.
We haven’t gotten to the social boundaries we have in our various life roles. You have very different boundaries when it comes to friends versus family. While it may be okay with your friends, it’s probably not a good idea to pants your dad. In work environments, whether you’re interacting with a colleague, subordinate, or boss, will have an enormous impact on how you behave. It may be fine to talk about with your coworker, but you might not want to tell your boss that his toupee is crooked. Even within the groups of family, friends and all the others in your life, your social dynamics and boundaries will vary with each individual. They will even vary with one individual over time. For example, you have a long-time friend you begin a romantic relationship with you and then, a few weeks later, you break up. Each role of friend, romantic partner, and ex comes with its own rules and regulations.
The point being here to illustrate that we have layers upon layers upon layers of boundaries that we have created. However, the one place people seem to have a lot of trouble setting up and keeping boundaries is with their dogs. Why is that? Perhaps it’s boundary exhaustion and we simply cannot establish any more boundaries with anyone else. But that cannot be the case because when that homeless person sat next to me on the train yesterday, I moved immediately. I have another 3 ideas why people have issues creating boundaries with their dogs…dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. These are the hormones and neurotransmitters that, while being involved in many functions of our bodies, most relevant to my discussion, play a major role in making us feel good. Dopamine is literally known as the “feel good hormone”. It is used in our brain’s natural reward system to help us learn. Serotonin is associated with regulating anxiety and stabilizing mood. People who are depressed have lower levels of both dopamine and serotonin. And if you would like to up your levels, simply give your dog a good petting. Studies have shown that petting your dog (or any dog for that matter) increases your serotonin and dopamine levels, which explains why dogs make such amazing therapy animals. Side note – petting your own dog increases these hormone levels more so than petting another dog. The other chemical I mentioned above, oxytocin, also known as the “love-“ or “cuddle-hormone,” is one of the major hormones involved in building the mother-infant bond in humans and other animals. It also plays a part in the connection between romantic partners. Oxytocin promotes pro-social behavior including eye contact, empathy, trust and generosity (side note – oxytocin has also been found to play a key role in increasing maternal aggression and other anti-social behaviors with out-group members, indicating that it promotes pro-social behavior with your own group while promoting anti-social behaviors with those perceived as “others”). Here’s the kicker, our oxytocin levels rise simply from looking into our dog’s eyes, which is what happens when we’re setting boundaries. When people look at and caress their dogs, they have the same biochemical and neurological response as when they look at and caress their children. And if there’s any other group of wildlings that get away with too many boundary crossings, it is our children. So how do we address this issue? How do we combat these natural feel-good hormones? Conscious effort.
Think about every time you need to let your dog know that you do not like their current behavior in the current context (a.k.a. correcting your dog ). To do that with the proper assertiveness, you have to look your dog in the eyes (assuming they are looking at you). As mentioned above, when you look in your dog’s eyes, your system is being pumped with oxytocin, making you more likely to be empathetic, trusting, and generous. Additionally, we already associate our dogs with feeling good, thanks to the dopamine and serotonin upticks we get from petting them. Knowing this, it is easy to understand and forgive anyone who has issues with correcting their dogs, however it is still our responsibility to teach them that there are rules (not malicious ones, but rules nonetheless) that need to be abided by. To do that, we have to train ourselves to resist the natural response in our hardwiring that makes us more likely to be pushovers with our dogs during the very moment we are trying to draw lines in the sand. You have to talk to yourself in the moment and remind yourself why it is important that you stick to the rules you are trying to put into place. And why is it important you ask?
Well, first, it’s important to stick to it because that is the only way you will ever get the message across to your dog. Consistency, consistency, consistency. This is how we can clearly send our intentions to our dogs. For example, let’s say you are trying to teach your dog to not get on the couch. That means every time she jumps on there, you have to tell her to get off or lead her to the edge until she jumps off on her own (NEVER manually remove the dog from the couch – she must do it on her own for the lesson to be learned quicker). Once she’s off the couch, you must block her from getting on. If she even looks at the couch like she’s about to jump back on, give an assertive audible correction (e.g. “eh-eh”). Then, keep doing this over repeatedly, until she finally gives up and walks away or lays down on the floor. Then, one hour later, you’ll have do it again. Then the next day, you’ll have to do it again. You’ll have to consistently “explain” the rule through your behavior until your dog “gets it,” until that light bulb goes off. This is the first point of significance regarding consistent rules, sticking-to-it-ness.
Secondly, putting rules into place is important because creating a structured world where the actors in it know what the consequences of their actions will be, is conducive to a secure and stress-free life for said actors. This is as true for dogs as it is for people. Imagine if we lived in a land with no laws or rules or codes of conduct. Take a simple act like crossing a busy intersection for example. Except there are no crosswalks, no lane lines on the road, no stop signs, no traffic lights, and no traffic laws to follow. Every person, and vehicle, for themselves. How safe would you feel about crossing there? Would the uncertainty cause you to have anxiety? Would the chaos drive you crazy? This is how some dogs feel in a home with no structure or rules or routines, they don’t know how or when to cross that intersection. I know that the bond between dog and people is a beautiful thing, that’s why I work in this field, but having the perspective that all dogs need is love (via affection, praise, treats, toys, beds, clothes, etc.) does a huge disservice to those we call our best friends. A lot of dogs with anxiety, overexcitement, or aggression issues develop those issues as a result of not being provided with structure. Nobody gave them guidance on how to behave in the world they now live so they had to figure it out on their own (let’s also remember that we took them from their natural family who would have provided this guidance). And for those dogs that didn’t have the natural genetic constitution to figure things out on their own, it caused excessive and constant stress which eventually manifested as anxiety, or overexcitement, or aggression. We need to provide our dogs with structure to help them navigate living, not just in the world at large, but, more specifically, in the human world. It’s like when you take your kids bowling and they put those bumpers to keep the ball from rolling in the gutter. You need to create bumpers for your dog’s life to keep them from the behavioral gutter.
I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Alright already, we get it! It’s important to set boundaries. Geez! What kind of boundaries am I supposed to be setting exactly though?” Great question! The list of potential boundaries is endless, depending, mostly, on your personal preferences. But let me give a few examples I think are healthy for everyone to follow.
Boundaries with food. Your food is your food, until you decide to share it. Food is a highly valuable resource that belongs to you. It is also difficult to enjoy a meal or a snack with a barking dog jumping all over you. To prevent this situation from occurring do not give nor let your dog take your food while you are eating. Do not let them demand your food via pawing, barking, nipping, etc. (note – calmly sitting and drooling is completely acceptable as long as they aren’t in your space). If you would like to give them some of your food, wait until you are done eating and give them the leftovers away from where you were dining (ideally in their usual feeding place). Remember to be consistent with this rule, as with all others.
Boundaries with space. Your couch, bed, and lap are your couch, bed, and lap. These are also resources that belong to you. There is nothing wrong with letting your dog into your couch, bed, or lap (I personally have always enjoyed a good doggy cuddle session), but you want to invite them into that space. You do not want them to think that those resources belong to them. While this may not be an issue for some, there are dogs who aggressively guard what they perceive as their couch, bed, and lap from any potential pillagers, including their own humans. I’ve heard too many stories about people getting their feet bit in the middle of the night when they dare shift in bed and accidentally touch their dog. And I’ve seen too many dogs who sit on their person’s lap snarling, growling, and snapping at anyone who comes near their zone, including the person whose lap they’re sitting on. As mentioned above, I’m not trying to take these things away from dogs, but I believe it is important that, both, they and you see that bed, couch, and lap as yours. If you want them up there, invite them when they are behaving the way you would like and have a blast! And, of course, remember to be consistent.
Boundaries with other people. Whether walking on the street, or at home, it is common for dogs to get overexcited and joyously jump on anyone that gives them the slightest bit of attention. I’m sure you’ve been on one end or the other of that interaction. Despite some of the people being jumped on saying “I don’t mind, it’s ok,” it’s not ok. It is lack of impulse control and, even in the world of dogs, an inappropriate way to greet someone. It may take time and effort to teach, but it is important that we show our dogs how to calmly greet others. Show them how to earn those people’s attention and affection, which is what they are motivated by in the first place. Note – make sure to let the person that you’re greeting know that they should be calm and composed as well when saying “hello” so as not to exacerbate the excitement. And, as before, remember to be cons-…oh, I think you get it by now.
These are just a few examples of boundaries that you can set up with your dog. There is a myriad more – walking without pulling, stopping at curbs, not barking every time a kid rides by the window on scooter or skateboard, etc. Depending on your home, lifestyle, and preferences, you will have countless opportunities to show your dog the rules of the road.
As a species that naturally creates numerous physical and social boundaries between each other, I believe we have the capability to set some rules with our dogs. But we do have to overcome our hormonal boundary to setting boundaries – the roles that dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin play in making us feel good, generous, and trusting. We can jump these hormonal hurdles through conscious, mindful effort. We have to remind ourselves that creating structure is ultimately beneficial to our dogs and that the only way to create it is with consistency. Admittedly, while this sounds simple, it is not always easy. It takes a lot of patience and persistence, which can be draining, especially if you’ve already had a hard day. However, I believe that, with the right mindset, you can accomplish this goal because the one place you should never put a boundary is on yourself.
Resources:
Montgomery, Sy. “Psychological Effects of Pets Are Profound.” Boston Globe, 12 Jan 2015, https://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/2015/01/12/your-brain-pets/geoJHAfFHxrwNS4OgWb7sO/story.html
Sapolsky, Robert M. Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst. Vintage Publishing, 2018.